Wishes to Ashes, Souls to Dust
by FatedFeathers
Summary: Eons have come and gone, or so it would seem. The years have had their own way with him, like she had. There hadn't been a thing he could have done differently, he hadn't even wished it so, nor wanted anything but all she had wanted...


_**Disclaimer: Twilight belongs to Stephenie Meyer. I own nothing, only my own creativity.**_

* * *

_**I'm not strong enough to stay away. Can't run from you, I just run back to you. Like a moth I'm drawn into your flame. Say my name, but it's not the same.**_

* * *

_Empty and complete. Loss of self but filled with purpose, not his own. Hers. _

* * *

The cliff face rises up like a beacon in the fog, although hidden and obscured. Atop the lush edge stands a man, looking to be in his late twenties, possibly early thirties, but in this light who can really tell? The bleak sunrise does nothing to reveal the expression on his face, but perhaps that is just as well. For it is the kind of face that will brand itself into the mind and leave you quivering in cold sweats as you wake up screaming from the horrors revealed in the dead of night.

Eons have come and gone, or so it would seem. The years have had their own way with him, like _she_ had. There hadn't been a thing he could have done differently, he hadn't even wished it so, nor wanted anything but all _she_ had wanted, needed, demanded and just taken. But that had pleased him, it had made him happy, and he had never felt an ounce of sadness. He had been complete, empty as he was.

The lightest touch from her had made his heart soar, and he had been for her all that a man could be for the woman that he loved and cherished as much as he had her. Not a day had broken through the dawn where he had suffered. Although suffering had been very real in his past, it had not even been but a memory. Until now.

* * *

_**You look in my eyes, I'm stripped of my pride, and my soul surrenders. And you bring my heart to its knees.**_

* * *

_December 2026_

_Christmas was a big thing, the season to be jolly, the time to spend with family and loved ones, and it hadn't been much short of perfection. _

_At least, after today, everything would fall into place, the last piece of the puzzle would be placed, in the shape of a simple platinum band, on her finger. She would not refuse him, and he would be the happiest man in the universe. Her universe. For it was all for her._

_Presents had been shared, in abundance. Big ones and small. Some expensive, others holding a different value. A sentimental value, you might say. Not one face had held anything but joy and love, compassion and familiarity. As odd a family as they were they loved each other in their own – slightly strange at times – way, but heartfelt all the same._

_She was snugly tucked into his side, her head rested upon his shoulder, as his strong hand stroked the alabaster of her fingers tenderly. He was a solid man, the planes of his shoulders broad, whispering only a fragment of the power they held. The callouses on his palm spoke of the hours he spent daily, shaping and carving wood. Roughened by grime, dirt and metal. Yet they always handled her delicately every time her soft skin moved beneath them._

_As she shifted away from him his arm tightened around her, ever so slightly, his insides shifted to follow and they rose as if joined by some invisible string. Or like the silhouette and her shadow, which would have been the more appropriate observation, had someone only been able to see past the devotion in his eyes._

"_Wait," he said in that husky tone, saturated with love, releasing his arm which fell to his side and he shoved his hand into the pocket of his pressed slacks. "I have an announcement."_

_Her head tilted slightly as she peered up at him with those warm, brown eyes of hers, curiosity playing in their soulful depths. _

_The answering smile broke out like glorious sunshine, warm and encompassing. Bright enough to light the entire room, hadn't it already been cast in the warm glow from the candles and twinkling lights from the ridiculously large tree._

_For a brief moment he seemed nervous, then his hand dug further into the pocket, closing around the velvety box there, and the unified, yet soft whisper of gasps in the room could almost have been deafening._

_Someone strangled back on an excited squeal. Alice, he noted in his mind, and he rolled his eyes. _

_Another woman regarded him, her eyes narrowing ever so slightly, an emotion moving behind their golden gaze – flickered in brief passing – but he would never have noticed. He had eyes only for this woman's daughter. _

"_Ness," he began, a barely detectable tremble in his voice as he reached out and took her small hand in his large one, brushing up along the length of her third finger with his thumb. "I love you," he said, like a million times before this. But the depth in those three, simple words never lost their meaning or earnestness. All he saw was her. "From the moment I first saw you I knew that there would never be anything more important to me than your happiness." _

_The woman with the golden gaze shifted, but it was such a small movement that it couldn't have been noticed unless you looked directly at her. But he didn't look, nor did anyone else, as their eyes were trained on his hand that now retracted from the pocket, producing a small, dark blue box. _

_And he lowered himself down on one knee, earning another round of gasps and whispers from around the room, but also from the woman standing over him now, her eyes wide._

"_That still stands," he continued, his voice having taken on a thick quality, making the eyes of the woman, whose hand was firmly clasped in his, tear up, "and I might be a simple man, but the depth to my heart makes up for all of that, and you'll be safe with me, forever. All I ask of you... will you marry me?"_

_Tears would have been shed all around – were it only possible – and the moment she nodded her 'yes' the room erupted in a rowdy mix of laughs and cries, hoots and cheers. _

_All except for one._

* * *

_**And when I reach out and I only grab air, and it kills me to think that you never did care.**_

* * *

A brisk wind caused the silky strands of his black hair to whip at his face, but he stood perfectly still. Then he reached into the pocket of his faded jeans, his fingers searching until they found what they were looking for. There was a slight twitch to his jaw, and his eyes lowered to the delicate platinum band in his palm. For a long moment he only stared at it, his face stoic.

And then, there it was, the ocean of pain, the shards of suffering that shattered his composure and brought him to his knees, leaving stains of rain, grass and hollowness upon the pale blue material. One by one his fingers curled inward, pressing the cold metal into his palm, hardened by time, too much time.

Memories that hadn't been allowed their true colors tore through his mind like a vicious hurricane, ripping visions from a deeply rooted past, out of the burning abyss that was now his heart. They had always been there, and they had followed him throughout the years, yet they had been distorted by shades of gray, some even black.

The remnants of his tormented soul shook him, reverberating in his very bones.

* * *

_**And it's killing me when you're away, I wanna leave and I wanna stay. I'm so confused, so hard to choose, between the pleasure and the pain. **_

* * *

_August 2027_

"_Jacob." His name was carried through the room on the waves of crystals, pebbles and uncertainty. "Can I come in for a moment?"_

"_Sure, Bells," he replied softly, turning to her with a bright smile._

_Bella hesitated in the doorway as their eyes met, his warm and open, hers struggling to contain the emotion curdling just beneath the surface. And for a long moment she remained there, as if suspended in time – how true that was – until Jacob stepped forward, reached out and pulled her into the room, closing the door behind her. _

"_Jeez, Bells, what's wrong with you?" He wasn't irritated – a little bewildered, perhaps – but not at all annoyed. She had been acting a bit strange lately, after all._

_The question spilled out like the contents of a coffee cup having been knocked over in a rush. "Are you happy, Jake?" _

_And his reaction might have been something similar to having that scalding coffee splattered across your lap. "What?" There was a slight jerk as if she had slapped him, then confusion pulled his thick brows together. "Of course I'm happy, why do you ask?"_

"_Well," she hedged, her eyes flickered from his to the window, momentarily pausing there as she spied two familiar large men walk by, giving her their cheerful waves –Embry and Quil – then she returned to Jacob's now impatient frown. She took a deep breath – totally unnecessary – then sighed. "Never mind. I'm sorry. Of course you're happy, of course, how stupid of me, so stupid, stupid..." she repeated until the words trailed off into an awkward silence._

"_Bella," he said, only now a slight annoyance colored his tone and his face. "If this is another one of those 'do you ever stop and think' discussions then I won't have any of it. I'm getting _married_ today, Bella. _Married_. To your _daughter_. To the love of my _life_. I'm not going to let you ruin it for me." Still he wasn't angry. Jacob rarely got angry these days. Not since that day when they very nearly lost their lives to the largest gathering of vampires on this side of the century._

"_I'm sorry," she whispered, blinking once, twice, before meeting his eyes again. _

_Instantly his expression softened and he pulled her into his arms. "Aw, Bells. It's all right, everything's going to be fine. I'll take care of her, you know I will-" he cut off when her face buried into his chest. Something shifted, but only just so, and then it was gone. And as if someone had merely pressed pause he continued, "Claire's mom was the same, you know, she freaked out, but in a big way. I'm talking broken plates and pots flying." He laughed, a low and throaty sound._

_But Bella didn't laugh, and if it would have been possible to cry she very well might have. Instead she nodded somberly against his chest, dragging in a shaky breath before she pulled away. _

_With nervous fingers she brushed at his tux and straightened the bow, finishing off with a light pat, leaving her palm against his chest for just the briefest moment before stepping back. _

"_Jacob Black," she said, fully composed now. "I never thought I'd say this, but you might actually look sort of handsome." Behind the facade she was falling to pieces, but what good would it do to show? They all had their roles to play now. _

_Even if some played them all too convincingly, she thought. _

_Try as she might, she couldn't always keep her emotions in check, but around her best friend she always made it a Herculean effort. Hadn't he given her that grace on her wedding day? _

_A slightly embarrassed smile played on his lips. "Sure, sure," he said dismissively. "Hit your head again, Bells? I thought you vampires were pretty indestructible."_

_The smile she had plastered on fell, and she did something very stupid. She turned and fled from the room, leaving Jacob in a total state of confusion. _

* * *

_**I turned my back, you were gone in a flash like you always do. **_

* * *

Jacob was no longer confused. He may not have been complete anymore, but at least his senses were allowed full access to the emptiness inside. The loss of someone he had loved so long ago knocked the wind out of his lungs, and he dropped one hand, pushing it into the wet ground to support himself as the onslaught of the memories he'd been denied to feel until now continued to sear through him.

Usually, when you have a nightmare it might be so fearsome that it will leave you feeling restless and slightly off for an entire day, or two. But there is always relief when you wake up, because while the dream might have given you horrific visions, at least when you wake, you know that it was only a bad dream. It wasn't real. You will breathe out, let a shiver travel down your spine as you shake off the last remnants.

* * *

_**When I'm alone with you, you make me feel, you make me feel. When I'm alone with you,  
you are the one, you are the one **_

* * *

_End of April 2202_

_Her legs tangled with his, the swell of her lustrous curls spilled across his chest and his fingers ran through it absentmindedly, her scent lingered around him like the sweetest haze. The dawn was still an hour away, but to his eyes it was as though it was already breaking. _

_A soft murmur whispered across his bare chest when she stirred from her sleep, and the smooth silk of her thigh grazed up along his. Gently his hand carried down her body, skimming the dip of her waist and he squeezed her closer. _

"_You're awake," she whispered, her voice riddled with sleep... and something else he couldn't quite discern._

"_Waiting for you," he replied tenderly, then brought a finger to tip her chin so he could look at her. _

_That is when something shifted slightly, deep within him. In his very bones._

_Slowly he pulled himself up against the headboard, bringing her with him, over him, sliding her up along his body, touching all of him with all of her._

"_Ness," he breathed, "Are you okay?"_

_To this she sobered from her half-awake state and blinked. "Yes," she replied slowly with a hint of suspicion. "Why?"_

_With gentle fingers he trailed the fine lines at the corner of her eye, momentarily letting fascination outweigh the worry. She let out a soft sigh, closing her eyes and leaned into his warm touch. _

_Jacob knew better than to comment on a woman's features, let alone if she was showing signs of aging, which in turn was what made the worry return, pushing his curious fingers to stroke her hair instead._

"_You are so beautiful," he said quietly, grazing the tip of his nose along her forehead. "If I can't wake up to this I'd rather not wake up at all."_

_A whisper of a laugh fanned across his skin, raising chilled bumps in its stead. "Oh, Jacob, my Jacob," she murmured, her tone filled with humor. "We've had almost two hundred years so far. Eternity doesn't have a number, though." _

_At this he relaxed and pressed his lips to her forehead, then her cheek, trailing feathery kisses down to her lips, which in turn parted for him and welcomed his with awakening passion. _

_Everything was forgotten, apart from her and what she needed from him. As always he drowned in the desire she ignited in his veins. Dawn turned the sky into a kaleidoscope of colors as they gave in to each other._

_Several days passed as they had for the past two centuries until one morning Jacob woke to a strange chill in his bones. Not only did he feel unusually cold, but his body weighed heavily with an unfamiliar sense of lethargy. He also trembled, or did the bed shake? When he rolled over he found Nessie sitting on the edge of the bed, shoulders shaking and in an instant he had her folded to his chest. _

"_Ness," he whispered urgently. "You're cold, what-" It was as if the temperature in the room had suddenly dropped instantly when she turned in his arms to face him. The lines, that had barely been visible only days before, were now deeply etched into her beautiful, tear-streaked face. When his eyes, wide with fear, managed to drift from her face he noticed the silver weaving through her bronzed curls. _

_Several hours later Jacob sank down onto the edge of the sofa at his best friend's house, the cacophony of hysterical voices fading into the distance as suddenly it felt as though a crushing weight began to press down on his shoulders. _

_Again something within his bones seemed to shift, and the chill there only seemed to get worse, and worse... and colder._

_The strangest feeling came over him, with a nagging familiarity, only he couldn't place it, but for some reason an image flashed before his eyes, like the sharpest bolt of lightning._

_A fading light in a pair of chocolate brown eyes. Then it was gone. And he was empty._

* * *

_**I screamed like a child. My insides went wild. **_

* * *

In his dreams he hadn't been hollow like this. There had been warmth and certainty. Not even a speck of grief had touched his life, unnaturally long as it had been. Not anymore, though. There was no turmoil beneath his skin, and many things were warm to him these days, in fact, everything seemed so much warmer than him. All he felt was the cold.

It was a dull ache, an empty feeling inside, yet so full it threatened to rip him apart. But it was not that encompassing love that had made his heart swell.

Where there had once been love it had now been replaced by the darkest hatred. And if there had been happiness, the bitterness inside him would no longer allow him to remember what it had been like. He didn't _want_ to remember, because it hadn't been real. It had been a lie. Still not a dream, however, for the anguish in his mind and body was all too real to deny.

The world around him would not let him escape the truth, not that he wanted to turn his back on it now.

He had tried. Tried because it had been too much. The loss, too much. His heart breaking, too severe a feeling to endure, stealing the breath from his lungs. At least he felt it now, he could burn and know that whatever took him over, it was real. He was alive. He was himself.

Jacob Black now belonged to himself, and no one else.

* * *

_**There's nothing I can do. My heart is chained to you, and I can't get free. Look what this love did to me.**_

* * *

_Beginning of May 2202_

_Nessie's last days had pulled down the skies upon all their heads, and it wasn't only Jacob who felt the crippling pain that her fading life left in its wake. She had only been half-vampire after all, and while others like her were still alive they were also aging. Like the boy, Nahuel, however it was slower compared to Nessie's rapidly deteriorating body. _

_The last hours were the worst, and not only because it had been all too evident that she would not see another sunrise, but because while Jacob had lain down next to her, to gather her into his arms, it had felt as if he, himself, had had one foot in the grave. _

_When that last hour ticked by there was only one other person allowed to stay in the room. Bella. And Jacob hadn't understood then, nor had Bella, why he had suddenly felt such a fierce need to have her there. _

_It had been two centuries since he had lost his temper, but when Edward had all but rooted himself in the room, Jacob had attacked him with such a ferocity that even he, himself, had been shocked into deathly silence. If it hadn't been for Bella he might very well have torn Edward apart. The worst part of it all was that Jacob didn't understand where it had all come from, but suddenly something inside him had come undone and the red haze had settled around him almost instantly, as if he had been working himself up over the years, not even realizing it._

_Sometime past midnight Nessie had taken her last breath, and if Jacob would be honest he could not remember exactly what happened in the immediate aftermath. The pain, the loss and the crushing hollowness had all but suffocated him._

_Little did he know what took place the moment Nessie's heart stopped, for someone may as well have reached into him and ripped his soul clear from his body. It had been too much, far too much. _

_Bella, distraught with grief, had been equally torn as she had rocked her daughter close to her dead heart. But her eyes had never left Jacob, wanting to reach out but not daring to, not wanting to let go of Nessie, even if all that was left of her now was the still, cold body of an aged woman. _

_Hours came, and went. Dawn broke, and Bella had now moved closer to her best friend who still kept drifting in and out of consciousness. It hadn't been an easy thing to cope with – it hadn't been like this when Claire had passed away – which had brought on a bout of heavy concern as well as renewed pain for Bella, who, as hard as she tried not to, felt a sting where her heart had once beaten – torn between her love and her best friend. _

_She had for a long time wondered why it had still hurt, when she hadn't felt that senseless need for her best friend once the transformation had been complete. Over the years something within her had festered and grown, and as much as she didn't understand it she hadn't been able to deny the sense of sadness that would wash over her at times._

_Like the day Jacob had proposed to Nessie, and the words he had spoken had touched something inside her. But it hadn't been because she was jealous, she had felt a strange tug deep within, and an odd prickle to her eyes. Impossible as it was she had felt the love that saturated from Jacob, as if it had been _her_ hands in his. It had been as sudden as it had been confusing. _

_Two days on, when Jacob had emerged from his state of fitful unconsciousness, they buried Nessie, followed by an all out battle to keep Jacob from tearing the entire house down. _

_Consumed with grief, and an awareness that slowly crept up from a place long forgotten, he had lashed out. Furniture had been destroyed, two centuries worth of photographs and memorabilia had been burnt to ash, and he had just been about to light a match on the gasoline-drenched walls when a pair of cold hands had locked around his shaking wrists._

"_Jacob, stop. Stop this right now." Bella's eyes stared up into his, black with unbridled rage and agony. "It won't bring her back, it won't change a thing!"_

_He wrenched himself loose, only to slam her into the wall as his fingers wrapped around her upper arms. "I know," he said in a severe tone as his eyes bore into her. "But I want it gone. All of it, Bella. Everything."_

_The chaos inside him was rising, but still he fought it back, terrified of what lurked beneath. Every single hour that he lived through made it all so much more difficult to fight back, but this he knew. Fighting was something he was starting to remember how to do. It had, after all, been something so largely a part of his life once, and it was all coming back to him now with a gut-wrenching vengeance._

_Bella searched his eyes, visibly cringing back the deeper he let her in. "Please, Jacob. I can't stand to see you like this!"_

_And his fist plummeted through the wall, not even an inch worth mentioning from her face and she flinched. _

"_It IS like this!" he roared at the top of his lungs. "And you are going to WATCH me like this, Bella, because I am EMPTY!" His voice was turning hoarse but he lowered his face so that their eyes were level and the anguish twisted his features, turning his face into a mask of terrifying hatred. _

"_Jake," she choked out, for the first time fearing the powerful man pinning her more painfully against the wall, nearly shattering her arms in his vice grip._

_Jacob didn't blink, nor did his expression waver – not once – as he spoke the words, slowly, purposefully, gauging each flicker of emotion in her wide eyes. _

"_I _am_ going to burn this house, and _you_ are going to stand next to me and watch it burn. You know why? Because _I_ watched when _you_ burned, Bella. I helped you burn and _this_," he gestured around them, "was the 'thanks' I got, and _this_," he released her one arm and roughly grabbed her hand, pressing it into his chest which was shockingly less warm than usual, "but far worse than all of that..." and instantly the mask crumbled, leaving him naked before her, his eyes burning with an intensity that would have cracked her heart open had it only been capable of being destroyed by such an effort. _

_In horror she watched as he sank down to his knees while his hands, trembling almost violently, slid down her sides, across the small of her back, and his arms circled her waist. Next thing she knew the side of his face pressed against her chest._

_Jacob sucked in a ragged breath. "This," he whispered brokenly, then lost it, the sobs breaking free and wracking his large frame while his hands moved in desperation, as if they could somehow turn back time – if only the memories held in his calloused palms could brand the life back into her. _

_As it were, even a frozen heart can break, and as she held Jacob while he cried for her she could feel something inside her die. How that was even possible wasn't left for much contemplation since the force of it overrode all else. Until finally Jacob untangled himself from her and rose, and that's when she saw that it was something inside of _him_ that had died._

_The cold mask was back in place, and his flat eyes left hers while grabbing her roughly. Then he proceeded to shove her outside while walking behind her. _

"_Don't you move, or I swear I'll tear your husband apart," he menaced before letting her go, only to fumble with the matches. _

_A few minutes later they stood there, side by side, and watched as the flames licked up the walls, windows shattering from the heat, the smoke rising into the waning daylight._

* * *

_**And it's hopeless. You've always run off somewhere else. I'm throwing a tantrum, why are you such a phantom? **_

* * *

Two years had passed since that day... almost. Seven hundred and eleven days, even more hours, even minutes that had ticked by way too slowly. In the strangest sense it felt like a lifetime, yet he had lived more than one. Several ones. Years had passed and in the end they hadn't meant a thing. Not until now.

So many things hadn't had much meaning, and too many memories had lain dormant until now. Not only because he had still fought them viciously, but also because his heart, while broken and weak, still was beating with such devotion for someone who didn't... even... exist... anymore.

Slowly and painfully he flexed his fingers, uncurling them to reveal the pale band, beneath it a red and irritated circle having formed in the palm of his hand. A droplet landed, filling the small indent that wouldn't retract for a while yet. The wolf had faded long ago, and so had his rapid healing, along with the heat and the itching crawl beneath his skin.

Another piece of 'empty', added to the whole.

Another drop fell and he blinked his eyes once, slowly, feeling the wetness cling to his lashes. He drew in a shaky breath and traced the silvery circlet with the tip of his finger. Before picking it up he blinked once more against the blur in his eyes, and held it up to turn it slightly in the dull light. It shouldn't have been a surprise that the inscription was there, but still some part of him wished that it had all been just a horrifying but vivid nightmare.

_We break eternal dawn._

With the snap of his wrist the band sailed through the gray haze. His eyes weren't good enough to see it. His ears not keen enough to hear it drop into the crashing waves beneath the cliff face. All the same it was gone, and with it the wish to push back the past. It was time to let it have at him in whatever way it wished. It would be the only way.

For two years he had hidden from it, but running from the past would only guarantee it chasing him for the rest of his life. Jacob had had enough of running and chasing, he had done both so well, and for so long.

After all, what was there left to run from? And there was no longer anything to chase, nothing he wished to fight for... no one to fight for. His fight was over, it had been a long time ago, only time had been stolen from him.

Time had been stolen from _her_.

From them both.

"Bella..."

* * *

_**Reminds me of home when you're around me. Next time you leave, don't go without me.  
No, oh no.**_

* * *

_Two weeks previous..._

"_I really don't get how it's so damn hard for you to understand that I don't want to come back. I'm perfectly happy where I am now." Jacob's voice was determined but indifferent, still the voice on the other side of the line refused to listen. As usual. Had there ever been a time when Edward had listened to Jacob?_

"_You _know_ it's hard for me to have to sit here and admit this, but she _needs_ you. There isn't anything-"_

"_Stop it right there," Jacob interrupted, feeling that familiar tug in his heart. He would do anything for Bella, and her vampire husband knew this. It had always been like this. Always. _

_If Edward's existence caused her pain, or discomfort, or sadness – any emotion really that held no pleasant side effects – instantly his phone would run hot._

"_Jacob," he pleaded now. "She's... she's barely _here_."_

_Jacob's eyes narrowed, and he looked out the doors where he was hunched over on his stool where he sat in the middle of his workshop, having pulled it up and sat down when the phone had not quit its incessant ringing._

"_What do you mean, 'barely here'," he asked suspiciously, trying to ignore the burn in his heart, the churning in his stomach. _

"_I am trying to tell you that I don't know how much longer she will even respond to any of us—Jacob," he tried again to implore him through the receiver and Jacob set his feet on the floor, pushing off the wooden stool, only to begin pacing. Old habit._

"_I moved here for a reason. To get away from you. _All_ of you," he emphasized the 'all' in a pointed manner that he hoped would finally get the message across. _

_Edward sighed heavily on the other side of the line. "...what if I bring her to Ireland?"_

_Jacob jerked to a halt. "No," he choked out, suddenly panic making his heart run away with him in both anxiety and anticipation._

"_For her, please," Edward begged._

_His hand caught the edge of the workbench and he leaned into the support, squeezing his eyes shut. _

_Say yes, say yes, say yes, say yes..._

"_No," he repeated in barely a whisper, feeling again like the young boy who had been senselessly in love with Bella Swan. He had always given in, in so many ways, already. "Please," he returned in a plea of his own. "I can't help you, I can't help her... she is _your_ wife" – wince – "not mine..."_

"_Do this one more favor and I promise you that we will leave you alone-"_

_Jacob snapped. "Shut up!" he shouted. "Shut up, shut up, just shut the hell up! She doesn't know about this, does she? Don't talk about 'we' when I _know_ that she wouldn't beg to see me. Not after what I made her do, what I made her _watch_ me do. I'm not falling for your crap. Leave me the _fuck_ alone!" _

_Jacob smashed his phone against the edge of the wooden bench-top. Once. Twice. Several times, until there was nothing but splinters scattered allover the counter and the floor at his feet._

_His chest heaved as he steadied himself, and his breath came out in short pants. That's the first time he stopped to take into account that there was no tremble in his bones, no quivering fire in his spine or hot taste on his tongue. _

_For a long moment he stood there, trying to command himself to phase but it wouldn't happen. And finally, after almost an hour, he slumped back onto the stool and stared blankly ahead._

_The wolf inside him was gone. _

_It had taken many days to wrap his head around it, but finally at the end of the week he had come to the conclusion that it was a _good_ thing. _

_Jacob had done the first thing that came to mind and he'd taken a wad of cash and paid a visit to the small tavern they had in the village. He had gotten rip-roaring drunk, absolutely pissed off his nuts and while it had been such a high at the time, the following morning hadn't been so great for him. _

_Just when he had thought that things could not have gotten any worse there had been a knock on the door, and – grumpy and hung over – he had shuffled from the lounge room, through the kitchen and into the tiny hallway. _

"_No way," he had choked out when the door had swung open. "Do you have a fucking hearing problem? Seriously, get the hell o-" _

_Whatever else he had been planning to spew out of his mouth had become strangled when there, suddenly, appeared from the sleek car parked behind him an oddly hunched over but all the same familiar figure. _

"_Bella?" he whispered in shock, but she remained as she was, while Alice led her forward. At least she walked by herself, he thought but he could tell that it was a lot more serious than he suspected. _

_There had been no reason for him to believe Edward. In Jacob's experience, vampires weren't weak. But this one was, against all that he thought possible. By pure instinct, ingrained deeply, he stepped back and allowed the three vampires to enter his small stone cottage._

_It wasn't until he stepped into his lounge room that it registered: there was no stench. That sickly sweet burn in his nose – there was nothing. _

_Jacob knew that he was no longer a wolf, a protector, but now, as he stood there, watching them sit down on his furniture, he still felt how wrong this way, how uncomfortable he still was in their presence. _

_But he decided that, since they had come all this way, he would humor them, and so he shoved his hands into his pockets and fell against the doorframe, leaning on his shoulder._

"_So, what's wrong with her?" Jacob asked and his eyes flickered to Edward who seemingly put quite the effort into tearing his eyes away from Bella. They were dark, deep pits of black anguish. Such a typical look for him, Jacob thought grimly._

_Edward opened his mouth, as if to speak, but no sound came out at first. "...she's..._dying_." The word passed through his lips as if he didn't believe what he was saying, as if he was trying it out, seeing how it sounded, how it felt. _

_Jacob knew all about it, though, but she was already supposed to be dead. She _was_ dead. "She's already dead," he said dispassionately._

_At this the huddled figure next to Alice stirred, and the movement was so painfully weak that even Jacob couldn't deny the effort it took._

"_Jacob," she said, her voice cracked and hoarse, as if it truly – finally – was breaking from the years she had lived. Then, in a long and excruciating moment, their eyes locked. He froze, a chill running straight through his entire body, settling into his bones, and it was a million times worse than when Nessie had... passed._

_He shuddered involuntarily, but suddenly he found himself, yet again, on his knees in front of Bella, as if she had compelled him to her side. It was, however, of his own free will that he took her icy hands in his. _

"_Bella?" He ducked his head to look into her face that was hidden again, her head having tipped forward. With a shaky hand he lifted his finger to tilt her chin up and the gesture might have seemed so simple, so insignificant, but it jolted through Bella and before anyone could protest she had leaned forward, slumping off the edge of the sofa. Her arms had come around Jacob's neck but she was too weak to hurt him that even he, with his mere human strength, easily was able to gather her into his embrace._

_Jacob looked to Edward – silent questions, a world of accusation and spite flowing between them. He could see in the vampire's eyes that this was both surprising and hurtful to him._

"_I told you," he said finally, his voice weary and defeated, then he rose slowly from the sofa and nodded toward Alice. "We'll give you some time to... talk."_

_Jacob stiffened. "What?" he sputtered. "You can't... no-" he cut off and gathered Bella into his arms and lifted her off the floor. She might as well have been light as a feather._

_All three of them stared at first each other, then at Bella. Her head lolled against Jacob's chest, her eyes closed. _

"_Don't worry," Edward said finally, having regained his composure. "She may not have hunted for many weeks, but she is too weak to harm you, Jacob. Surely you see she won't do anything." It wasn't a question that left room for argument, besides, they had already left, and Jacob stood there, his heart pounding away painfully in his chest._

_For a while he just remained there, feeling the icy chill from her body somehow being absorbed by his skin. At the same time hers warmed up and before long she was merely cool to the touch, and he lowered her to the sofa as he sat down next to her, perched on the edge. _

"_Bella," he whispered hesitantly, his fingers hovering close to her face, but he didn't dare to touch her again. _

_Her eyes were still closed but he saw her hand move, with that same painful effort, slipping into the pocket of her dark jeans. He saw what a struggle it was for her and reached out to help._

"_Don't," she croaked, and he jerked back, his eyes on hers now. They were pitch black – all but void of life. She sucked in a ragged breath, and he realized she hadn't been breathing until now. Of course, he thought, he was human now and he didn't doubt for a second that he no longer would smell like a wet dog to her. _

_For the briefest, fleeting moment a small smile tugged at the corner of his mouth, but when suddenly she grabbed a hold of his hand with her trembling ones, the smile dissipated and he nearly jerked away from her again, but her eyes held him in place. _

_Something inside him shifted and his eyes widen in shock. He knew what she had pressed into his hand before she removed hers, and slowly his eyes fell to the palm of his hand. He sucked in a sharp breath._

"_Where did you get this," he rasped, his eyes darting back to Bella who seemed to struggle to keep hers open._

"_House... ashes..."_

_Jacob shook his head, wondering why she would do this. "Bella," he choked out. "I can't believe you brought this to me... why-"_

"_Forgive me," she said in a barely audible voice._

_But he was angry now, and out of all the things he could forgive her for, this wasn't something he was sure he could even begin to wrap his head around. They had stood there in the rubble as the last glowing embers of the fire had died down. It had signified a part of his life that had not been real. It should have been with someone else._

_It had been with _Bella_ he had wanted to wake up every morning. _Her_ face that he had wanted to see the moment he opened his eyes. It had been _her_ body – soft, human, alive and changeable – that he had wanted to lose himself in. _

_Jacob turned his head, his feelings now treading a fine line between the love he had felt and hatred for the stranger that was now on his sofa._

"_The truth..." she choked out and her hand touched his again, her cool fingers pressing the metal band into his palm. He flinched but didn't make an attempt to move, he was deliberating now, making up his mind. "At Christmas... I felt... when you... your love... please..."_

_Jacob's eyes had pulled down to set his dark eyes in shadow and he all but glared at Bella now who didn't even wince. _

"_Will you stop? It was all a lie, Bella. It wasn't real, I wasn't even myself!" he hissed at her through his teeth._

"_Me," she said. "It was me."_

_Jacob stiffened, his eyes narrowing. "What the hell are you talking about?"_

"_Dying... Jake, please... listen to me."_

_His eyes hardened instantly. "You're already dead, Bella," and he took his other hand and pressed the palm against her silent chest – it still stabbed at him viciously, "can't you feel that? You're not alive."_

_She shook her head with faint effort. "I know. But I was... in some way, I was," a determination burned in her eyes now, and she reached for him, but even when he shook his head she persisted, struggling to sit up. _

_Jacob heaved a sigh and steeled his wounded heart, pulling the cold body – which was all that was left of the girl he had loved to completely – into his arms. When hers struggled to come around his neck he helped her, and soon she was so tightly clutched to him that it hurt his bones to keep her there._

_A cold shiver shot down his spine when he felt her cool breath in his ear, and her lips were so close that they nearly touched him. And he felt her chest expand, pressing into his as she took another deep breath._

"_I'm disappearing, Jake," she said, with a slightly clearer voice, but it was still a whisper. "I am only here still because of you. I was connected to you, through... Ne-Nessie," her words broke on the name and they both shuddered against each other. "When you asked her, I felt it. Your hands on mine... sometimes I would hear you whisper in my ear... but I turned and you weren't there... and sometimes..." her hands moved into his hair then, having grown long in the past two years, "...sometimes I felt warm... because... you held me... but you weren't there..."_

_Jacob had stilled completely now, Bella's shaky fingers moving against his scalp, through the silky strands of his hair. _

_His throat felt thick, his eyes wet and his heart ached with loss. "Bella, I-"_

"_Shh... almost finished..." And she pulled back, and Jacob's hands instantly moved to support her sagging form. She could barely keep herself upright. "Help," she pleaded, reaching for his face. It killed him to do so but he guided her hand to his cheek, closing his eyes as he held it there._

"_Oh Jacob," she whispered. "My poor Jacob," she murmured so quietly he barely caught it, but he did and he swallowed against the aching lump in his throat._

"_Bells," he choked out, then he crushed her back to his chest, the desperation rising in him again, chasing away all the promises he made himself that he would forget about it all. "Bella, Bella, Bella," he chanted against her hair, the tears on his lips making it stick to him._

"_I love you," she breathed._

_The ocean of pain released a flood of words that he had been aching to tell her for years and years and years, and he hadn't known how much it had hurt him to not be able to speak to her in this way. "I love you, too, Bells. Always, I never stopped, I'll never, ever stop. I'm sorry, so sorry that I couldn't save you, that I failed you, somehow... but I did all I could, and it wasn't enough, but I did it for you. It was all for you, Bella. Please don't go anywhere... stay, even like this. I need you, I feel like I have finally come home after a long time away and I haven't seen you, or felt you in so long... please, Bella. Stay with me."_

_Bella was so silent, so still that he loosened his embrace, letting her fall back against his arm, her eyes fluttered open with an effort that broke his heart and then she reached up, and he could see how she put all that she had into the movement. All that she had left._

_And she placed her hand over his heart, forcing a smile into lips that would haunt him for years to come. Then she whispered, in a voice so painfully tender yet fragile._

"_Here I'll stay, and we'll be together. Keep me there, Jake, and I'll never leave." _

_His entire body knew it, the faltering beat of his heart felt it and his hand caught hers before it dropped from his chest, holding it in place in a fierce grip. _

"_Bella?" But he knew. She wasn't there, not until now did he know that she _had_ been there all along, and somehow it had been because of him, but now she wasn't. Now she truly _was_ gone. He knew it deeply in his bones, because until now he hadn't even realized that the pull toward her had been back, yet now it was gone. Again. _

_Completely. And he was hollow. Cold and empty inside. _

_Nothing held him to anything, no one held him up besides him. But _he_ held onto the dead girl in his arms, held her with such tender affection that had you witnessed it, you would have thought they had been lovers. Yet they had never been, and they never would be._

* * *

_**Now that you're gone, all that remains is the ghost of love. Deep in my mind I hear the chains, of the ghost of love. **_

* * *

"Bella," he whispered again.

That name on his lips was like rain in the desert, soothing them with a thousand days and nights of longing that had been denied him.

"I promise I will keep you."

And he would, until his last breath he swore he would. With his mind, body, heart and soul – tattered as it was. Empty as he was. But he would still keep her close. It was at last his choice to do with his sorrow as he wished. There was no sugarcoating for the pain, and with the effort of an old and worn man he shoved off the ground, his knees aching from the cold that had seeped into them through the wet grass.

Jacob would always feel cold, though. The chill would remain there, deeply rooted in his bones, for he would never be truly whole again.

"Jacob," came the soft whisper on the wind and his shoulder stiffened slightly, but he shoved his hands back in his pockets, and his fingers remembered briefly what had been. He turned toward the voice.

Alice offered him a brave smile that didn't quite reach her eyes. "I have what you asked for."

After all that had happened, after all these years. All the fighting, all the heartache and the struggles, Edward had let her go. Just like that. He truly had been a leech and taken everything, he had sucked all the love, all the goodness and life out of the girl he had proclaimed to love, and now when he was done he had left all that was left.

Jacob waited as the pale girl walked up to him and placed the small container in his now trembling hands. Their eyes met briefly before he looked away.

"Thank you," he offered, masking his emotions with indifference. Whatever he felt belonged to him and the memory of the girl whose ashes now rested within the box in his hands.

"For what it's worth... I'm so sorry."

He swallowed back on the callousness that wanted to rip out of him. "Yeah, thanks," was all he managed in a quiet mumble. "I'd say, 'see you around,' but I really just want you all gone. As far as you're concerned," he cradled the box closer to him now, protectively, almost possessively, "we never existed." When he said 'we' his eyes dropped to the object in his hands.

The tiny vampire gave a curt nod, biting down on a quiver in her lip. "Goodbye, Jacob."

Jacob simply turned and stepped closer to the edge of the cliff. When he threw a glance behind him she was already gone, and he turned back, letting the cold mask fall off his face, then worked the lid off.

"I gotta tell you, honey," he said thickly, a slight edge of grim humor in his voice, "loving you has been the biggest disaster in the history of mankind. But," he lowered himself into the damp grass, throwing his legs over the edge before placing the box between his thighs, "you always gravitated everything your way, didn't you?"

With trembling fingers he reached down, grabbing a fistful of ash, then he reached out and opened his hand, letting the wind whisk it into the morning drizzle.

The moisture was sticking his lashes together again, but he didn't care, instead he scooped up another handful, allowing the wind to carry it out to sea. Then he let out a shaky breath.

"It wasn't all bad though, and disaster might have been one thing you attracted... but damn you pulled me right in, Bells. Right from the start, and somehow you had me hanging on. So, I guess what I'm trying to say is," he picked up the box and let it tip, the rest of the ashes pouring out like a dusty waterfall, swirling in the brisk breeze, "you were worth every single second. I love you, honey. Always."

A lush cliff rises up out of the dark ocean, and atop it sits a man. At a glance he looks to be in his late twenties, possibly early thirties. But as the sunlight breaks through the dull clouds it reflects off his warm, coppery skin, and even if the sorrow in his eyes speaks of an ocean of pain, the wistful smile on his lips would tell you that he could be but a teenager, had it not been for the faint lines framing his eyes, or the rough two-day stubble covering the strong lines of his chin and jaw.

The wind sweeps in and whips a few silky strands of black hair into his face, and it sticks to the wetness there. He closes his eyes and takes a deep breath, setting the box down next to him.

Had he lived in a world where there were no monsters and no tragic fairytales, who knows what his nightmares might have been made of. But were you to ask him what he would have done if he would get the choice to go back and correct something, he would have told you this.

"You're asking that as if I ever had a choice." Then he would have paused, as if he truly considered your question, only to add, "Look... see this cliff? I'd jump off it first." And the cued smirk he would have given you, meaning: case closed.

**-* THE END *-**


End file.
